sigrdrifumal

house arrest turned out to be an awful idea. i just stared at the tv, dwelling. so what do i do? go get a tattoo. a simplified mjollnir on my left ring finger to symbolize my heritage coming first. my family. my blood. this trumps any man, any marriage, any romance.

cheesy, sure. regret it eventually? possibly. i've wanted to get this tattooed somewhere on my body and this clicked in my head earlier today. i have a penchant for getting tattoos on a whim. none of which i regret thus far.

this is self-therapy, i think. i know i feel better.

so sunday night, when the shit hit the fan, i slept for probably all of 3 hours. i kept waking up in a weird panic and falling apart crying, then falling back asleep again. i went to work and it was able to get my mind off of it for the most part. my coworkers are amazing people. they knew about him and how happy he made me and all of that and while i've only gone into depth about it with a few of them, they still are all smiles and hugs and "i'll buy you lots of liquor!" and offers to go cut his tires and stuff.

i get home last night around 4pm, i'd been having bouts of diziness all day but i figured it was fatigue and not eating in days, i hadn't even paid attention to how much i was eating/drinking. being home alone and not really having a distraction meant i just sat around and thought about it and the pictures he posted of them together and his response to me on the phone and in emails kept replaying in my head and my diziness just exponentially increased so the point that i apparently blacked out. i fell and hit the right side of my head and bruised my rear right jaw, it's swollen and i can't really open my mouth that much. my mom heard me fall and came in, immediately took me to the ER. i wasnt really coherent, all i remember is my shoulder hurting from where i guess i fell on it. i blacked out again in the ER waiting room so they admitted me for the night for observation. they ran a bunch of scans and xrays to make sure i didn't fracture or break anything. they brought in a bunch of doctors and damned psychologists and stuff. put me on an IV to get my fluids back up. gave me sedatives to sleep for like 12 hours.

i'm angry at myself for letting this happen. i mean, i know its out of my hands but all in the same breath, i let my guard down and let him back in. i trusted him. i spend the night in the hospital because of a nervous breakdown of sorts meanwhile he's got his girl to keep his mind off of what a terrible person he is. i wanted to call him last night just to let him know what had happened but i knew it would be a moot point. i probably wont ever tell him. he doesn't need to know how much he got under my skin. also - i'm terrified that if i DID tell him, and he acts like its nothing, or ignores it, i'd be in worse shape than i am right now. i'd like to have faith in him that knowing that something like this happened, he'd walk through the fires of hell to make it up to me, but i've lost all faith in him as a man now.

i also, last night when all i had to do was lay there and think between bouts of sedation, realized that it's really convienent that three days after his exwife moves herself and their son into her new boyfriends house... he finds a girlfriend. and has to very publicly brandish their love and relationship and his feelings for her on the internet. it's almost like he has to convince himself of it, you know? even when he found out he was pregnant with shawna and that they were getting married, he didn't post ANYTHING online about it. i found out months later what had happened. i'd think a new baby and getting married would trump banging your little sisters dime-a-dozen hipster friend, ja?

at any rate. i'm apparently on house arrest. i might go get tattooed tomorrow if they'll let me outta the house. i got my septum repierced last week and threw a fit when they were xraying me about them HAVING to get it back into my nose if i took it out. they did well, i still have it. thank god.

well hes "in a relationship" with her. i don't really have a lot to say about it. i've talked til i'm blue in the face about it. he's with her because she's the first hipster girl he's seen in ages, the first girl to bat her eyelashes at him and of course with as depressed as he's been as of late, he fell for her. he knows i'm irate, heartbroken, etc. he finally answered his phone for me earlier tonight and i chewed him out for 20 minutes, all he could say was he's sorry. i get home and he's put up pictures of them on myspace so i was forced to delete him from my friends list just to avoid having it thrown in my face.

i can't believe he's this weak. he went 8 months without having a girl around, he couldn't wait one more month? i've even been talking to my mom about making arrangements to move up there. aside from my friends, i don't have much of a reason to stay here.

i just don't have the words right now. i just made sure to drive the point home that i'm done with him. i can't handle standing by anymore while he does this stuff. i can't just be friends with him anymore, not after the past few weeks. and that in 6 months when this girl is old news, i'll be gone too. and that thats something he's going to have to live with. we had talked about getting married... had he decided to keep his pants on one more month that might've been a very real possibility. immediate gratification and ego-stroking apparently meant more to him.

it makes me sad, it really does. the loss of my best friend. but i also realize it's not the end of the world. and also, if he can drop me this easily, i figure it's better to know now, right? than if we were ACTUALLY in a relationship that had to be long distance, rather than simply in an emotional relationship without the formal name. whatever, it sucks because i know myself. i know he'll be back in my life later down the line and i know i'll allow it. even just going through my entries from earlier this year when he came back into my life after shawna, i talked about putting up walls between myself and him and all of that stuff. blergh. i just told him i want my shirt back from that absurd show, he doesnt deserve it. his new girlfriend can find him one. oh wait, shes a hipster - she doesn't know how grand belial's key are, or richard mills, or how amazing it was that sven from absurd sang for gbk. YEAH THATS RIGHT i'm awesome she sucks.

sorry thats how i make myself feel better about all of this crap.

okay so i only took my camera with me the last day we were there which was on a trip to the chicago institute of arts museum. SO i only took pictures of famous and/or epic art. sorry. i tried to make sure i could identify most of the paintings at least, a few i had to look up the specific artists, but i think i was able to get most of them either from memory or thanks to the internet. there are a bunch of ancient japanese, chinese, indian and tibetan statues and ceramics that i didn't bother labeling simply because ancient shit is a pain in the ass, i can't remember dates and i don't feel like going through the museum e-archive finding them all. you get the idea.

( 60 pictures or so )

so a little more legitimate of a review here.

got up ass-early friday, hopped on the plane, landed in chicago. davids plane was supposed to land roughly 3 hours after ours, so we were just going to head on to the hotel and get settled and wait for him. as we're taxiing on the runway i pull my phone out of my purse, turn it on and found that i had a voicemail waiting.

hey, its david. you're probably not going to believe me but i'm lying on my couch right now full of oxycodone. i cut half of my finger off yesterday at work. this is pretty much the worst thing that could've happened. i'm sorry. ... more to that effect

of course at first, for a split second, i was like "no way, i call bullshit something else happened" but after that i just slumped down into a depression. i waited a while, a few hours, to call him back because i knew if i got on the phone with him too early i'd just fall apart and thats the last thing he needed. we've both known all along that this trip was more about being together than it was about seeing any of the bands or the city. needless to say we both cried about it for a good long while. his coworkers and their families are actually taking really good care of him. their boss sent a few of them to costco to get him paper plates so he doesnt have to do dishes plus a bunch of food that he can prepare and consume without too much effort. they also bought his son christmas gifts! i was like awww <333

his finger, the way he explained it to me (albeit in much more technical detail, i don't understand how construction works...) - he works right on the water in poulsbo, washington. bremerton/seattle area. he had a chain or line in his hand and it was attached to a barge they had out in the water. said barge was rocking in the water. either the rocking of the barge or something having to do with machinery caused the line to pull taut and crush the upper 2/3 of his left index finger. it crushed the bone and cut the skin and muscles into like three strips. he said it looked like a windchime. obviously irreparable. he went and had it stitched up and is going back this thursday to get it cleaned up and restitched to make the eventual scar neater, as well as the overall shape of his nub.

immediately i realized he wasnt letting himself get too down about it. he said that even in the hospital on thursday night while they were cutting his finger off and stitching him up he was still arguing that he was going to make his flight friday morning to come to chicago. part of me, the nonsensical romantic, wishes he had. but the mom part knew it was the best thing for him to stay home and recouperate. oh well. we ended up talking on the phone for hours each day i was up there. just about everything and anything. i almost didnt want to tell him about the show but he persisted. the crazy thing is - everything we did, everywhere we went while we were up there, all i thought about was having him there. even at the show i ended up pretty bummed because of the few girls there, all except myself and the two girls i came with were there with their boyfriends/mates and all i could think of was "awww i wish david was here, i want to hold hands and watch absurrrrddddd". i bought him the der sturmer/capricornus split and a tshirt from the actual show (show shirt rather than band shirt, if that makes sense) and put those in the mail today so hopefully those will cheer him up. as well as a handwritten iloveyouuu letter, those always mean more. and the der sturmer sticker marcin sent me with the second order of tickets.

anyway - chicago. beautiful city. i've always loved it. this time i was pleasantly surprised at how nice the people were, and how gentlemanly their men were! i remember them all being gruff. their men were classier than the men down here. so much for southern gentlemen. we stayed in the hyatt on wacker which overlooked the river and was a block from michigan ave so we did plenty of shopping. it was really nice to be in a big city in freezing weather with snow on the ground, christmas lights on all the plants, and big christmas window displays in all the shops. it actually felt like christmas! (again, all i wanted was david to be there to keep my hands warm and be cute and christmasy with) we made it to the field museum, the museum of science and industry, and the chicago institute of art museum. all were amazing. the art museum especially. they had a travelling caravaggio exhibit, as well as permanent degas', remingtons, monets, manets, cezannes, kahlos, o'keefes, all sorts of ridiculously famous folk. but they wouldnt allow photography in the caravaggio gallery >:( i couldnt even bring my camera to the galleries in berlin, so i bought a book instead.

the actual show was pretty awesome. the guy who runs new saxon took a strong liking to me which was a little weird. i was standing outside and he came around a corner and walked right up to me, stopped, smiled and attempted to give me a hug. i was like "ooookaaayyy?" and we talked for a minute then he just implored me to join new saxon. hrm. the venue was a polish skinhead bar/clubhouse. private property! they couldnt sell beer so they sold tickets that were beer vouchers. awesome. the polish skinheads loved us too. a loootttt. cute sometimes, creepy others. all gentlemen for the most part. one came up to me and offered to keep my purse behind the bar, and at the end of the night when i went back up to get it another guy behind the bar hassled me about it. at first he said he didnt have a purse, then he said he was doing me a favor by holding it and asked what favor i'd give him in return, then told me he wanted $50 for it. a guy sitting next to me at the bar yelled at him in polish something to the effect of, "stop messing with her and just give her her purse, leave her alone!" or something. they fussed at each other for a minute and the guy gave me my purse back. weird.

there were three dudes from new york, one runs wolf tyr productions which is cool. i was talking to one of them about the show at the beginning of the night and mentioned that i knew richard, he freaks out and grabs his buddy, who upon talking with for a minute shows me a sunwheel tattoo he has on his elbow that he'd turned into a memorial tattoo for rich. i almost cried and he got choked up a little seeing my reaction. it was weird. we talked about his funeral and the band playing again and all of that.

GBKs set was AMAZINGGG. sven from absurd sang for them which sounded lovely :) they played shemhamforash, castrate the redeemer, the bearded hustlers, on a mule rides the swindler, goat of a thousand young, among others. HOLY SHIT I SAW GBK. i don't even know what to do with myself. they've been one of my favorites for a long time. mmmhm. absurd then took the stage which was surreal. the sound was awful and they obviously hadn't practiced in a while, i have a few inklings as to why they hadn't but i can only guess. i posted the set list in my previous posts comment thread, see it if you're interested.

a bunch of polish skinheads slipping on laminate wood flooring, doused in beer, seig heils a plenty. i enjoyed myself. martial slayed but i think most of their support was just from their countrymen. they apparently live in pennsylvania which i didnt realize. heathen hammer were good but not great.

after the show i talked to wolf for a while. apparently they'd been in chicago for days but hadn't gone out and seen or done anything which was a little sad. i didn't bother asking when they were leaving.

the girls i was with wanted to stay and drink and party with the bands and i didn't care, i came to see my show, talked for a bit, i wanted to sleep. go to the main street at the corner, find out i cant catch a cab that late at night, its a residential area. decide i'll call my girlfriend back at the hotel to call me a cab, shes asleep. realize i'll have to go back into the now drunk and rowdy pollock haven to get a phone book to call a cab which will result in "what do you need a phone book for?! IIII will take you to your hotel!!" (more than a handful had already tried giving me a sob story about how they didnt have a place to sleep that night and how they needed to come back to my hotel so they didn't sleep on the street in the snow...) well just then some nice older guy offered to give me a ride to a cab stand in his neighborhood after i bothered him about how to catch a cab. we found a cab pretty quickly which was cool. he was a nice dude. chivalry i tell ya!! and the cabbie was a baseball freak so we talked about baseball the whole ride so i gave him a big tip :) drunk me likes talking about beisbol apparently.

and thats about it. we drank a whole lot. every night ended at a bar. there was a cute bar next to our hotel with a bartender that looked just like james spader. it was pretty hot. he had an amazing butt. he got good tips just for having a cute butt. mmmhm. OH and they had $10 pitchers of long islands, MANNNN did we get wasted. and they had all these fancy varietals of long islands. good, good times ;)

nobody got sick, nobody got hurt (sans davids finger but he doesnt count because he didnt technically come). good trip overall. we got drunk at the airport before we caught our flight home and almost got in a fight with this woman who was on her phone in the aisle and she was holding up traffic. we couldnt get around her and she didnt care so of course the, "IF THIS FUCKING BROAD WOULD SHUT HER PHONE UP FOR A MINUTE AND LOOK AROUND HER I'D BE ABLE TO GET BACK TO MY SEAT." belligerence, the specialty of drunk southern girls.

i'm home in on piece. antifa didnt shut down the show :D david didn't come because he got his left index finger torn in half on thursday afternoon at work. yeah, seriously.

( photographic evidence )

there were a bunch of polish skinheads who apparently really liked me and the girls i was with. i met three guys from new york and one had a sunwheel tattoo on his elbow that he turned into a memorial tattoo for richard and my eyes literally welled up with tears which shook him up a bit. i miss that guy a LOT. sven from absurd ended up singing for GBK which was fucking priceless! oh my god. it was amazing.

i'll post more about my adventures in the windy city, black metal mayhem and david serious conversations.

david and i, over the past week or so, have gotten into two knock-down-drag-outs. first, he was an asshole about me telling him about the cauldron show, simply because phobia were playing. he apologized a few hours later but claimed it was because in his mind he'd made it up that i was hanging out with antifa and hippies... ridiculous to say the least. then we got in a fight wherein i casually said i was spoiled with my job because i can take nights off for shows and that i have the ability to take a month off every summer to go to europa. he elaborated on my spoiledness and at some point called me arrogant. which needless to say completely set me off. i don't mind the spoiled, so much. i realize i'm at the very least lucky. but i still work 40 hours a week, i'm just able to request certain nights off so i can attend shows. big deal. we eventually came to an apologetic truce of sorts. i have a raging period right now and i know my hormones didn't aid me in my response to him at all, but i also completley berated him about calling me arrogant. i almost told him to find his own hotel room and tell marcin to send him another ticket because i wasn't going to put up with him in chicago.

well, yesterday he decides to come clean and told me that shawna (his exwife and mother of his 2 year old son) is pretty obviously doing drugs. she knows about things from his past that, if she so chose, she could go to the authorities and have him imprisoned. i've no clue what he's done, i don't want to know. he can't attempt to get custody of his son because of this, apparently. she is also seeing some new guy and taking their son over there a lot and that pains david to an absurd degree. he doesn't want to be replaced, and he only gets to see his son on weekends and i think he's fearing that there'll be a stepdad in the picture and he'll get pushed out of his sons memory. it breaks my heart that shawna is doing what shes doing, but for as much as i know about her i'm assuming she's going through some emotional turmoil and doesn't know how to deal with it. i'm not making excuses, but i think its a phase that she'll come out of soon. or at least i hope so. at any rate, david said this is why he's been so fussy and grumpy and mean lately. while i can understand it, it doesn't excuse his behavior. we'll see. its slightly funny because his birthday is the day after my ex-boyfriend of 4.5 years - and the facet of their personalities that come out in lovers quarrels are EXACTLY the same. it was ridiculous to hear half of what david was saying, he was furious because i could almost finish his sentences. such is life when you date scorpios.

there is also a show right now on the military history channel about the assasination of reinhard heydrich. i've always, always had a ridiculous soft spot for him - for various reasons, mostly girly fascination. but i've never seen anything on TV about him. i just found the location of his grave (which is apparently marked - wtf!) and it's in north/central berlin and i almost want to vomit because i know EXACTLY where it is, but at the time i didn't know it was there so i stomped right on past it :/ there are a few more things i want to do and see in berlin and this gets added to the list - schloss charlottenburg, the wansee conference house, sachsenhausen, and now heydrichs grave. threeee days maybe? next summer, it shall be.

( a few pictures )

happy veterans day. put your own agendas aside and thank our veterans for everything they've sacrificed.

- the chicago trip is coming together nicely :) things with david have warmed up considerably, apparently all i had to do was piss and moan on my own time (to you folks who've put up with it beautifullyyyyy, thank you) about the 19 year old, and magically - everything falls back into place between he and i. serious conversations have been overabundant and sweet romantic things are plentiful, he's even flying in a day earlier just to have an extra day/night with me. we've been reminiscing about our history lately, its brought back so many cute memories. he's even started talking openly about his marriage and how much shawna was threatened by me - something i never fully realized. for some reason, in his head he's made my life out to be this grandiose metal travelling extravaganza. i go to shows fairly regularly and most of my close friends are becoming people in the houston metal "scene" though i don't identify them as such - they're just my friends, individuals. its kind of cute because he thinks it's made me out of his league - or that i'd be bored to tears by him. he wakes up early, goes to work, comes home and does it all over again. hangs out with friends every once in a while on the weekends, and other weekends plays awesomedad with his kid :) i was like OMGILOVETHAT, not exactly but i certainly prefer it to boys with deadend jobs who blow money on drinking heavily 4 nights a week and don't go to bed til the sun comes up.

my girlfriend and i are flying into chicago (instead of driving now, thank god) on friday the 11th and he'll meet us at the hotel. she's meeting a boy she met on myspace who lives in chicago. she's apparently been talking to him for a few years and texts him and talks to him on webcam and stuff all the time, which is super cute. anyway, she and i decided since its going to be our first romantic nights with the boys that we'll get nice hotel rooms (like 3+ stars) since it'll only be for 3 nights. the money is worth the luxury and memories we hope we'll be making. anyway, david said he had friends from baltimore who would be driving out for the show, i think they're driving the guys from martial in for the show. anyway he was talking about how they said they were broke but would only be in town for the night of the show. so i just emailed david and asked if he wanted me to look into getting a suite instead, with a sleeper sofa in the living room, to house his friends for the night so he wouldn't have to worry about putting them up in another hotel room for the night. to which he responds, I dont care how much more it will cost, I just want my privacy with my Ali. Is that ok? uuugh, i almost fell over. this boy is going to kill me. with the cute.

in other news... oh! of ALL the people in the world, ben texted me yesterday. nothing consequential, just about how funny it is that he was having a meeting with a religious studies professor while he was wearing his inquisition shirt. but still. a text from ben out of the blue after not talking to him in a few weeks. AND the night before i had a dream about him. not a sexy dream but a dream nonetheless. the last time we talked was right before i got the latest work done on my tattoo, and we had one of our hour-long phone conversations. that boy... jesus christ. i'm a huge sucker for him, even still. gay.

also - i'm a huge supporter of the military, more for the troops sake than for the patriotism, i could give a rats ass about 'merica but we've got people making the ultimate sacrifice, on top of being away from their families and frieneds and their lives... anyway. today apparently some doctor at the fort hood army base in central texas blew a gasket and went on a shooting rampage in a medical building on site. killing 12 and wounding i think 30 more. it absolutely breaks my heart, i broke down crying at work when i heard about it. granted when i heard it it was through a coworker whose brother is currently at ft hood and who called from the old concrete barracks, the base was on lockdown and all we got was that there was a sniper on the loose. jesus. it absolutely killed me. they deserve all the respect and admiration and love in the world, and to have stuff like this happen... i just can't understand it.

AND - the drummer for father befouled killed himself. no details have been released, but they're of no real consequence either. it sucks because i'd talked to him briefly when they played here earlier this year. there was an altercation following their set on stage with the sound guy, it was a huge mess - anyway, his quietness only multiplied after the fight. easyjesus i think talked to him more after the show than i did, and he says he was really shaken up by the fight :/ anyway, i randomly across him on okcupid when i first signed up for the site and he and i exchanged a handful of emails. its just heartwrenching to know someone you were slightly acquainted with killing themselves. especially someone you really respect as an individual and a musician :( justin from father befouled said in their official statement on myspace regarding it, that he was also tracking a solo project that they're going to release in his memory basically, which i'd really like to get a copy of. bah. depressing stuff.

more tattoo tomorrow! i think we're going to start shading on the yggdrasil, but i'd like to finish the line work too, down on my forearm. i was also toying with the idea of getting the cover from satanic rites by hellhammer tattooed on my chest. like from my clavicle down between my boobs to the top of my stomach... or something. but once i actually looked at it i realized that the head is level with the wings, instead of being considerably higher than what i'd initally thought. so, having ginormous boobs makes this idea almost impossible. i'll talk to daniel tomorrow about working with it. i can't imagine him saying no to tattooing my chest, seeing as... ah nevermind. he apparently reads most of what i write anyway >:(

so the chicago trip to see absurd/GBK is back on :) at the bar friday night i was lamenting to a friend who also wanted to go to the show that i didn't think i'd be able to go because i can't fathom driving there by myself. (the friend i was talking to is 35 years old and doesnt have a drivers license nor has he ever driven a car, such are the pleasures of growing up in NYC...) anyway, one of my girlfriends overheard me and said she'd been wanting to go to chicago to see the city ANNND to see a boy she's been in e-love with for a few years, so its back in order :) i then in turn told david i'd be going and he said something about how he didn't want to go if i wasn't going to be there, and now we're planning everything out. he's flying in and i'm trying to get him to rent a car so we'll have reliable transport that isn't public while there just in case my girlfriend wants to go to her boys house and such. its nearly impossible to find a reasonably priced two room suite in chicago. i can find 1 bedrooms with a sleeper sofa but i don't want to throw my girl on the couch with the OTHER boy (the one that can't drive) because while she knows him, they're not well acquainted and certainly not close enough to share a bed for multiple nights. we might break down and get two seperate rooms. travel discount sites are going to make me rip my face off soon.

the 19 year old is still being annoying and making her e-presence known, i want to go poop all over her. or something. i shouldn't whine. grossly sweet emails keep flooding in, and cute conversations are still held regularly, so i need to take a deep breath.

in other news: IPOD HELLLLP. my ipod committed suicide a few days ago. the screen went black and came back up as the grey screen with the apple logo in the middle, no big deal. center button + menu GENERALLY resets it after such things happen. but no, after doing that a few times an error message came up on the screen telling me to use itunes to reset the ipod. alright, plug it in (via a USB hub) and nothing really happens. old apple screen comes up with a circle with a line through it flashing "do not disconnect" underneath it. itunes cant detect my ipod :( my ipod thinks its connected but it doesnt show up as a drive in my computer (it says removable storage as an F: drive) nor does it show up when i run itunes diagnostics. has anyone else encountered this? or have any suggestions? it makes me sad because rather than hauling all of my cds around with me all the time, i just use my ipod - in my car and at work :/

so i deleted the last entry for the sake of covering my own ass? i don't know, i realized upon reflection that leaving any kind of trace of it makes the possibility of it getting out that much easier. its not that i don't trust any of you, i don't trust the internet and livejournal security measures. and it seems redundant for me to be like, "this just needs to be left alone!!!" and then to go out and publish an entry about it. oh the irony.

( david )

more work done on my tattoo, finally.

( pictures )

more will get done when i have more money, hopefully the middle of november.

i've known about this for a while thanks to karlozzz and the morbosidad connection but jeeeezusss. i want to go! i mean, seriously. bullet belt fest is more like it. BAHHH.

i'm exhausted and i only get this excited about stuff like this when i'm this tired. and this is also one of the best lineups i've seen in a while.

aside from the absurd/grand belial's key show. sexytimes.

does anyone think they can feasibly romp to berlin for a weekend with me? going to chicago in december for the weekend will only cost like $500 max. roundtrip tickets to berlin are only $500, and hostels are diiiirt cheap. anyone want to go be bestial with me in germany? it'll be KILLER i promise. all of my friends around here are deadbeats who would only go if morbosidad could get us on the guest list. holy crap! i bet i could sweet talk carlos if i tell him i want to go... oh man. i'm a genius.

so, as usual, log in to myspace and in friend feed it says "satanic warmaster has been tagged in __ photos", happens all the time. grimkvlt lords tagging their SW shirts to be fuckin' h8ful. today however...

( black metal legolas )

i'm putting this here for posterity, more than anything.

( blegh )

- so, i broke down and ordered a marblebog shirt in a large through HHB. i've only been able to find them in large (and upon going BACK to HHB, i realize i bought their last copy of the shirt... period), and vogrov told me itd be the end of this year or the beginning of next (rerelease of one EP and releasing a new album next year) that they'll have new shirts out and that i was pretty much SOL. so i bought a large. i'll make my mom sew it up for me, i don't trust my tshirt surgery skills, or lack thereof. the picture of the marblebog shirt has evaporated from the internet. there is a shirt that i can find pictures of in dark grey, but the one i ordered is light and uses an older logo. which makes it even more kvlt if there aren't even pictures of it online. maaaaan.

i also snagged a killer von shirt :D (image here)

- also - my old roommate (super israeli stereotypical JAP) called me and told me i had a few packages. while i moved out in july '08, i changed my address. moved into another apartment then moved here and i've registered my address change both times. i come get my packages and they're fucking CDs from march that i needed to review. i emailed one of the bands and then the label that handled the other CD i got and apologized and explained what happened. i still feel like a royal asshat, even though it was really out of my hands.

- i also finally broke down and bought some bloodwood tunnels for my ears. i found some fossilized mammoth ivory plugs from the siberian permafrost that would be cool, but i really didn't want cream colored plugs. i was actually wanting tunnels to begin with. i was wearing silver earrings for a while but they just got too heavy and i lost my old wood plugs so i've been wearing gross clear acrylic plugs with gaudy black o-rings :( but, i bought these badboys as well as some lobe oil to keep my ears not stinky and clean and comfortable. a-freakin'-men.

- i saw that tim burton movie, 9. not impressed. animation was killer, but thats about it. there was no build up at all, it just BLAM! started and didn't stop and it was only like an hour and twenty minutes long or something. not worth the $10 it costs to get into the movies these days. laaaame.

- and david, since its been a billion years since i've seen him. i was drunk the other night and sent a long ridiculous love letter to him, which he couldnt respond to. but now he finally has the internet at his new place.

Wellll,....I feel like I have expressed feelings toward you...but, maybe just in bits and pieces over the span of the past decade...
I think I get scared. I dont want to lose you as a friend, so I shut my mouth. Somethimes I find myself writing 300 word love letters to you...and then highlighting and deleting out of fear. I should just stop proof-reading what i write.
I heart you...I always will. And of course, you are still the ghoul of my dreams...and hush, you know this.

Seriously though, I catch myself on a semi constant basis-daydreaming of the moment I got off a plane and tackle you.

finally a boy who communicates. i'm a much calmer, happier girl now that i've heard this straight from the horses mouth.

so i think things are okay. we've had family over intermittently, we just sit around and reflect, more than anything. the reality of it is a little more difficult, having to go through her stuff and remove it all from the house.

what surprised me was the thing that hit me the hardest last night - she wont be at my wedding. theoretical wedding, of course. spiritually, as i'd previously stated in a comment, she'll be with me always. but physically she will not be there if i get married. she wont be there if i bear a child. of course her memory will survive with much strength in us, and to any children i might have, through my blood. but how i wanted her to be there to see the flowers and fuss over my dress and to cry tears of joy with her.

for some reason, last night, that is what hurt the most. but that is how the world works. i'm sure she's somewhere telling me to shut the hell up and get on with my life. which i'm finding is easier than i expected. last night when i'd posted the other entry, i was numb and in shock i suppose because i'd literally just found out. then later last night i fell apart. it's not my reservation of going on living without her, i know we gained as much strength and wisdom from her as we possibly could have, and loved her and received love from her so much so that we couldn't possibly be left wanting. no, my sadness is simply that she won't be around anymore to tell us funny old stories, to fuss over little things that nobody else fusses over. i won't drive her to the doctor anymore. i won't drive her to the library anymore. i won't find her sleeping in the living room with her soaps on and at a ridiculously high volume.

ah well. she was amazing, and she is in a far, far better place now. i'll miss her beyond words, but i do know she'll be with us.

last night i did learn something more surprising than i ever thought possible. i sent a text message to a handful of my friends who had either met my grandmother, or who i considered close enough to me personally (and who had already known about her and her health as of late) to be notified of her passing. my exboyfriend was of greater help than anyone else. while benjamins response was simply ":("... yes. that is what i received from ben after notifying him that my grandmother had passed away. while he very well may not have known how to respond, words are better than a frown. at least i know this about him now rather than down the line if we did end up dating.